You Are Not Alone

"The experiences we have while dying are universal, yet we feel most alone while journeying through it." (Alua Arthur, Briefly, Perfectly Human)

We must move through this and show our loved ones that they are seen, heard and that their life matters – we do that their ensuring their death does too.

How do we do this? 

My experience with my practice – as new as it is, is showing a clear pattern.  Every circle of love surrounding a dying person is populated with a spectrum of comfort in talking about dying.  Someone, sometimes the dying person themselves, is open and spirited and knows in their souls that talking about the experience of dying is vital to feeling the love, peace and support that surrounds them.  Talking about their definition of a good death opens conversations about the life that has been lived.  It can also create legacy opportunities.  We can share the stories of the impact the dying person has had on our lives and share the love, pride and gratitude for the dying person as we hear about what they need and want from us at the end of their life. Possibly more important, talking about death releases everyone to make the most of the time the dying person has left.

 It requires everyone to be brave, to listen to ideas that might be uncomfortable but will mean that the person who is dying is the priority – that they are seen, heard and witnessed.

In each of these circles are also the well-meaning people, sometimes the dying person, who simply don’t feel that talking about the process of dying or planning for the end-of life will help anything.  There can be a feeling that we are ‘giving up’.  We want our dying person to fight.  We don’t want them to leave us.   And so, they often do fight – after all they don’t want to leave you either. They don’t want to burden anyone, and they don’t want to be the source of pain to those they love. They may be feeling lots of things, but all those feelings are trapped. It is hard for them to consider the term “good death”in fact, for some, it is a horrible term and causes anxiety and fear-based anger.

So what is to be done to bring unity at the end-of-life?

Let’s start by remembering that every scenario has a couple of things in common. First, everyone is coming from a place of love; and no matter what, the dying person is going to die. Let’s also say that where there is love, there is opportunity.  Opportunity to make mistakes, to try again, to take a step to meet the other in a place of common understanding.

It is a time also to ask bold questions and give honest answers.

There are several tools available to the dying and their circle of love to use that can spark these important conversations, questions and simultaneously build the plan for the end-of-life (often called Advance Care Planning).  Too often, these are begun but not completed. More than this, they are rarely shared with the circle of support around the dying person.

When you hire an end-of-life doula we can walk through this process together.  We can use the tool of your choice (some are free, and some have additional licensing fees) and get all the information, stories and wishes for your end-of-life process.  Then, a doula can meet with your circle of support and help connect them to your wishes, allowing them to ask questions, share their feelings and come to a place where they are able to support their dying person. Through listening to all voices, we can make sure that yours is the one that is heard, valued and honoured.